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Get a Grip! Keeping Your Cool, Even When You’re Boiling Inside
By Richard Hadden and Bill Catlette
In the defining scene of the 1976 film “Network”, TV anchor Howard Beale, portrayed by the late Peter Finch, says to his national audience, “I want you to get up right now, go to the window, open it, stick your head out and yell, 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!'"
Be honest. Wouldn’t you love to do that some days?
Therapeutic as it may seem, we’re not recommending it. While it won Finch an Oscar, chances are it won’t do much for your career. If performed at work, such an outburst, after the initial laughter dies down, will at a minimum get you a referral to a shrink associated with your company’s EAP. Performed at home, at the very least you’ll probably get to meet some new neighbors. If done at an airport, it’s likely that no one would notice.
And no, we’re not suggesting that you bottle up your frustrations either. Venting one’s spleen can be good for the soul. What we are saying is that before we can manage others well, we’ve got to be able to manage ourselves.
Sure, work, by its very nature, can be maddening. The people you work with, report to, and manage can raise blood pressure more than eating a large bucket of salty popcorn at the movies. Not to mention market meltdowns, customers who get you to jump through hoops then lose their checkbook, vendors who fail to deliver, organizational politics, and bad production runs. And don’t even get me started on computers!
It’s been said we can’t control the wind, but we sure can control the sails. So while we can’t always control the wind of our circumstances, when we fail to control the sails of our emotions, lots of bad things happen. Among them:
1) We die early. Perhaps if Finch, the actor, had sought alternative outlets for his frustrations, rather than the destructive ones that finally did him in at age 60, he might have lived to accept the Oscar for Best Actor that he was awarded posthumously for his role in “Network.
2) It slows down, derails, and in some cases, destroys our careers. We know a former CEO who lost a prestigious position and a promising future because he couldn’t control his rage. When his own staff feared for their personal safety in his presence, the board had to take him out.
3) It craters our credibility as leaders. “How,” the argument goes, “does she expect me to behave professionally when she can’t (or won’t) do it herself?”
In navigating your own emotions at work, here are some ideas.
The Mind-Body Connection
As a couple of guys who could each stand to drop a few pounds (though I’m happy to report that one of us is dieting and exercising religiously after his little crash last month), we’re not about to get into the business of dispensing health and fitness advice. But we have experienced first hand how much easier it is to control how we react to our situations when we feel good than when we don’t.
Exercise makes people feel better. Period. Except, of course, for heart attack candidates. So, if you actually take this advice and start exercising more, don’t do it without your doctor’s OK, and don’t introduce us to your lawyer if you drop dead from it. We hereby absolve ourselves of all responsibility for anything bad that happens to you as a result of your doing anything we suggest, period. How’s that for a disclaimer?
While it may take a while for the benefits of exercise to be seen in your waistline, the positive effect on your emotions is instantaneous, and that’s great for us instant gratification junkies. It’s just about impossible to feel anxious, uptight, or depressed on a treadmill. Or for several hours afterward. Every time I return to a regular regimen of exercise after a hiatus, I ask myself, “Why do I NOT do this EVERY day?”
And nobody likes to talk about it, but somebody has to. Depression, as in clinical. It’s common. It’s treatable. It makes it really hard to control your emotions. And it doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It’s frequently stress-related, and we know the symptoms. If you don’t know them, but know you’re having an unusually hard time keeping your cool, learn more, by going to the National Mental Health Association’s website, at nmha.org.
Take Time to Respond; Don’t React
When something happens that really makes you mad, avoid, at all costs, the overwhelming temptation to react immediately, however wholly unsatisfying it may be not to exact revenge at the very moment it would be the most delicious. Put a little time and space between the event, and your response.
Emerson observed that passion, though a powerful spring, is a bad regulator. I am positive, positive, that certain people remain friends of mine today, solely because I had the momentary good judgment NOT to share with them the thought that was coursing through my mind at the time, but to wait until a more accurate sense of perspective made the issue seem much less important.
Does this mean that leaders shouldn’t be passionate in their beliefs, hugely disappointed when somebody screws up, or that an occasional display of anger has no place in a manager’s repertoire? Of course not. But those emotions are only productively employed when they are used deliberately and in small, controlled doses.
Speaking of perspective
When tempted to get angry over something, ask one simple question: “Is anyone going to die because of this?” If the answer is yes, turn every emotion in the direction of the problem, with all speed.
If not, chill, dude.
My kids recently managed to empty the contents of a bottle of red nail polish onto the nearly white carpet in our master bedroom. When my wife saw that the color of my face matched the nail polish, she implored me to calm down, and then asked the question. “Is anyone going to die from this?”
“Perhaps the children,” I replied, and then I put the whole trivial incident in its proper perspective. Five hours later, the problem had been professionally eradicated. My wife commented that it was much better (not to mention cheaper) seeing the carpet truck drive away than an ambulance. She was right.
Talking it out
If you find yourself in a heated discussion with someone at work, whether it be your boss, a co-worker, or someone who reports to you, try to keep these things in mind.
- Always take the “high road”. Be sure that if anyone says or does anything inappropriate…it’s NOT you.
- Kill them with calmness. Model the behavior you want to see from the other person. Sometimes, they’re trying mightily to pull you into the same level of emotional expression they’re demonstrating. Don’t take the bait. Don’t get hysterical. Limit the dramatics. Peter Finch won an Oscar for losing it on national TV. And then he died.
- Don’t forget the manners your mother taught you. One trait we’ve found to be ever-present in great leaders is that though they are indeed passionate about achieving the mission, they are also unfailingly polite.
- Focus on the real issue, and one that someone can actually do something about. The sharper your focus on a specific issue that can be controlled, the better your chances of centering the conversation on the issue, and away from personalities.
- You may need to press the escape key. If you, or the other person, can’t discuss the issue rationally and calmly, it’s time to take a break. DON’T just end the meeting abruptly. Instead, mutually acknowledge that the conversation is over for now. Before parting, agree on a time to reconvene. Contract with each other that each of you will give the issue some serious thought, and return better prepared to discuss it productively and rationally.
Finally, as we say here in the south – Don’t cuss. Swearing in a heated conversation does little to bring it to a productive conclusion. If it’s your custom to include a little colorful language in your everyday conversation (even when you’re not upset), try extra hard to eliminate it from confrontational discussions. It will set those conversations apart, and add an element of dignity to the conversation that says, “This is important. I’m serious about it.”
Please print the following attribution for this article: Bill Catlette and Richard Hadden, co-authors of Contented Cows Give Better Milk, help clients clobber the competition by having a focused, fired up, and capably led workforce. They deliver powerful conference keynotes and leadership training. They can be reached at 800-940-7006 (+1-904-720-0870 from outside North America) or www.ContentedCows.com.